Living a relationship rich life.
In the previous three blogs, I have talked a lot about the struggles we face like envy and resentment, being empathetic even when you don’t want to be, and being authentic with the negative emotions you experience. While all of these challenges are inevitable, I am a firm believer that the relationships we build, and the authentic human connection we create can be a solution to any problem or ailment. Human’s are naturally social beings and I believe God put us on this earth to live in his image, build relationships, and love one another.
In 1938 scientists at Harvard began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores during the Great Depression. Through the Harvard Study of Adult Development the hope was that this study would reveal clues to leading healthy and happy lives. Over 80 years later only 19 are still alive out of that original cohort, all in their mid-90s. They added 456 Boston inner-city residents to the control group in the 1970’s, 40 of them are still alive. This research also expanded to include the original cohort’s children as well. There are over 1300 of these individuals, all are in their 50’s and 60’s. It is very interesting to see how the lives of these participants have played out. Some went on to become successful businessmen, doctors, and lawyers. Others ended up as schizophrenics, alcoholics, and drug addicts.
To encapsulate the study, what has been found is that relationships, and how happy we are in those relationships, has a significant impact on our health. According to the study, relationships protect you from unhappiness, resentment, envy, and general dissatisfaction. Relationships help to delay mental and physical decline. The quality of the relationships you have is a better predictor of long and happy life than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the original cohort of Harvard men and the inner-city participants. It was found that people’s level of satisfaction with their relationships at age 50 was a better predictor of physical health than their cholesterol levels.
Think about this for a second. Out of the people you know who are still living happy and productive lives in their 70’s, 80’s and 90’s, how many of those folks still have strong and meaningful relationships? This could be with their kids, grandkids, great grandkids, friends, church groups, etc. I know I can’t think of anyone that doesn’t have strong relationships and is living happy and healthy in their latter years.
Speaking from personal experience, the isolation among family groups and friend groups caused by the pandemic has created a huge relationship divide among many people. I think that even though most of us know the importance of our relationships with others, we oftentimes do not put enough leg work in to cultivate the ones we currently have and take the time to create new ones. It is not easy, but there are some things we can do build a relationship rich life before it’s too late.
1. Schedule time to re-connect with friends- Life gets busy, and I am a huge advocate for being purposeful about scheduling time to cultivate growth and success. Relationship building is no different. If you are like me, time between work, kids, and all of the errands and responsibilities that come with being a dad and husband leaves little time for other things outside of work. I have benefitted from scheduling in person meet ups with my friends that happen on a weekly or bi weekly basis. I have a 10 o’clock coffee “appointment” with a buddy every two weeks where we sit down and catch up and talk about our lives, relationships, religion, and struggles. I have another scheduled “appointment” every other Friday evening at a local watering hole with a buddy where we have a few beers and do the same thing. During these “appointments” we make it a point to keep our phones in our pockets. You can do this with your spouse, your mom or dad, grandparents, etc. You would be amazed how refreshed you feel when you set aside time to just talk and connect with someone without any other distractions.
2. Be even more determined build and maintain relationships those who love you unconditionally- In my mind, family is the most important aspect in many of our lives. For some, maybe you didn’t have a great upbringing or you aren’t close with your family for good reasons. A family unit does not have to be blood relatives, a family consists of people that you can count on to love you unconditionally. I think we often take that unconditional love for granted. Just because someone loves you unconditionally does not mean that you do not need to work on that relationship. If anything, you need to work harder to help that relationship thrive. Mix it up, be creative with the conversation starters or questions you ask. How was your day, or how is work are typical talking points. Go beyond that. If you don’t know what to say as weird as it sounds, write out talking points. Spend 15 minutes after a long day talking to your spouse. Take your mom or grandma to coffee when you get the chance. Have a cigar with your dad. Or just schedule an hour to facetime uninterrupted. Be intent on bringing up one of these talking points. Here are some examples. What’s the best advice you ever received? What is the best gift you’ve ever been given? What’s your favorite memory of me? What have you seen lately that really frustrates you? What book are you reading at the moment? What is it about?
3. Let bygones be bygones- Any relationship worth having is certainly going to come with conflict. We are never going to agree on everything. What ends up happening when relationships blow up can be summed up in one of two ways in my opinion. People either are offended by something that happened or was said, and instead of productively confronting the issue, they say nothing and let it fester. Slowly but surely, that relationship dissolves. On the opposite end of the spectrum, people blow a conflict out of proportion taking only what they want from it and not looking at the whole picture. They are very vocal about their opinions of how the conflict affects them, but do not want to hear any other perspective other than their own. That is not a productive way to confront conflict either. Ultimately, we all let our personal pride and stubbornness get in the way. Be the bigger person and extend the olive branch first. Very rarely will someone you have a meaningful relationship with not be receptive to you reaching out to mend fences.
4. Take stock of the relationships you have, cut out the toxic ones- This is a tough one. I have talked about how important relationships are throughout this entire blog. You aren’t going to mend every fence. It sucks, but sometimes you need to cut ties with people who are toxic in your life. Holding on to a bad relationship can be just as detrimental for your health as being lonely. There are some pretty obvious signs that a relationship is too far gone to repair.
Endless drama. You know this person, no matter what you do they always magically find a way to stir up some new drama.
All take, no give. Any relationship in which you experience withdrawals of energy without deposits are not worth your time.
Constant judgment. In judgmental relationships, criticism is not intended to be helpful but rather to belittle. You can tell the difference between the two.
5. Look for opportunity to create new connections- Don’t you ever wish that it was as easy to make friends as it was when you were in elementary school? It is hard to create new connections, especially later in life. A big part of this is putting yourself out there to a certain extent. This day in age it is a lot easier to develop new relationships than it was in the past in my opinion.
Take advantage of social media groups. We all have hobbies. Seek out people that share the same interests. There is a Facebook group for every hobby imaginable, so many in fact that you can probably find a group for your specific hobby that is located close to you. In these groups there are always opportunities for meet ups. You already have a shared interest which takes out the awkwardness that sometimes comes with meeting new people.
Join a church group. As a Christian I am biased on this one but some of my greatest relationships have come from joining a small group at church. There is something about the pursuit of God that lends itself to creating deep and meaningful relationships with others.
Volunteer. I am a mentor in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and am so happy I took the leap of faith to get involved. A simple act of selflessness is a catalyst for relationship growth with others. Some of the most meaningful relationships we may have will come from individuals that sit outside of our homogenous social circle.
You only live once. The quality of the relationships you build in your life dictates your health, happiness, and mental acuity more than social status, IQ, or recognition ever could. Take them seriously.
I would encourage you to check out this Ted Talk featuring Robert Waldinger. He is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development that I am talking about.
