You don’t have to be happy all the time.
Do you ever feel guilty for not being happy? I mean come on, we live in the greatest country in the world right? We hit the proverbial jackpot by just being born in the United States. Our standard of living is 95% better than the rest of the planet. Information is at our fingertips with one click of a button. You can purchase just about anything and get it delivered to your door in less than 3 days. We have direct access to anything we could ever want. What do you have to complain about? In fact, what does anyone have to complain about, especially in our country? Buck up, it’s not that bad! We all know the phrase first world problems.
While the premise of this sentiment rings true in every sense of the word, we cannot fall into the trap of shaming ourselves and shaming others for being authentic with their feelings. I am probably one of the most guilty parties out there when it comes to privately shaming folks who I feel don’t appreciate what they have or complain about things that I deem unimportant in the grand scheme of life. While I do feel that it is very important to put things into perspective and to make a regular habit to count your blessings, I have no right to judge you on what you are feeling or on how you view the world. I can’t remember who told me this but it has rang true for me lately. Someone’s hardest problem is their hardest problem. It doesn’t matter what that problem is, the feelings are the same.
I work in a college setting and I can tell you I see both sides of the spectrum on this. For some of my students, the worst moment up to this point in their life was failing a test. They have been sheltered, have everything paid for by their parents, and have every opportunity they could ever dream of at their fingertips.
For other students I have worked with, their worst moments include things such as abuse as a child, living in poverty, fighting in a warzone and losing their friends, or losing a family member to disease.
I know what you are thinking, and you are absolutely right. Some people have not experienced true hardship. I know I sure haven’t. The difference between failing a math test and being abused as a child or fighting a war is no contest. But that doesn’t mean the person who’s worst moment is miniscule in comparison to others does not still have a right to feel the emotions that come with that moment.
We all need to provide space to allow that life is going to be difficult at times for ourselves and others. Regardless of what that perceived hardship is, it inevitably will lead to uncomfortable or negative emotions. The trick is learning to acknowledge, embrace, and understand what those emotions are trying to tell us. You can be purposeful in how you use those emotions to improve yourself every day and to create habits that keep away the negative effects those emotions sometimes bring.
Create momentum through negative emotions- Most of us would probably prefer to feel happy all the time. No one likes wallowing in negative emotions. I think that negative feelings, while unpleasant, can sometimes be good for us. When you are experiencing these type of emotions, don’t just push them under the rug, embrace how you are feeling and pin point exactly why you are feeling that way. Anxiety and fear can protect us against potential threats. Guilt can motivate us to make amends when we’ve done something wrong. Even anger can be useful. It can motivate us to solve problems, stand up for ourselves, and cope with stress.
Build resilience through negative emotions- Resilience in a simple sense is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. While I think it is important to be okay with your negative emotions and not push them under the rug, I also think that wallowing too much in those emotions unnecessarily is not healthy either. A big part of building this resilience is learning to be self aware of your capacity to handle negative emotions, and work on improving that capacity one step at a time. There is a natural arc that emotions go through. They build up, intensify, then they subside. It is kind of like a wave that crashes on the beach then recedes back to the ocean. If you keep in mind that what your experiencing has a natural arc you can start focusing on how to ride that wave. For instance, if you know you are a person that shuts down and isolates when you get angry or sad, then you can try new methods of responding like communicating your feelings with someone. If you can recognize your natural tendencies and take a more direct approach to your emotional state you can open a path to becoming more resilient.
Practice Gratitude-When you find yourself in an emotional slump, drained but unsure how to get past it, practice gratitude. Gratitude can help keep negative emotions at bay as well. Gratitude doesn't need to be reserved only for momentous occasions. Sure, you might express gratitude after receiving a promotion at work, but you can also be thankful for something as simple a perfectly cooked steak, or a beautiful sunset. Make it a daily habit and make it specific. While you might always be thankful for your family, just saying I’m grateful for my family week after week doesn’t keep your brain on alert for fresh grateful moments. Instead change it up. Here are a couple of examples. “Today my wife put the kids to bed and let me have an hour of peace when she knew I was really stressed,” or "my mom invited me over for dinner so I didn't have to cook after a long day."
Take time to be involved with those less fortunate- This is a cliché as it comes, but still very important. In my opinion sacrificing your time to help others less fortunate is crucial in dealing with long lasting negative emotions. It obviously broadens your perspective but there is more to it than that. Getting involved gets you connected, expands your network, and improves your social skills. Don’t tell me you don’t have enough time either. We are all busy. I can tell you there are opportunities available for even the most time constrained person.
Stop the comparison- Blog #5 referred to this point in depth but I believe wholeheartedly that comparison to others precipitates these “negative” emotions unnecessarily. You shouldn’t compare your insides to others outsides. Social media has a great way of making us feel inadequate because it highlights all of the coolest moments in others lives . Most it it is a façade. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true. Don’t believe everything you see on TV (or on social media). Ecstatic happiness all of the time is likely impossible for anyone to sustain. You’re comparing apples and oranges. The only person you should compare yourself to is the one staring back at you in the mirror.