The Art of Losing: Turning Setbacks into Strength

I’ve learned that my 9-year-old son, Bennett, does not like to lose. And honestly, I can’t blame him. Life is about winning and losing—participation trophies are rarely part of the equation. But for him, the struggle isn’t just with the loss itself; it’s with accepting that losses are inevitable. The real challenge, and the real opportunity, lies in what we purposefully do with them.

The pursuit of excellence isn’t just about external victories; it starts within—through resilience, self-awareness, and the willingness to grow. I’ve been fortunate to encounter incredible leaders in my life who have shaped the person I am today. One of the most pivotal moments came during my undergraduate years at the University of Northern Colorado.

From Losing My Way to Finding my Foundation

As a freshman, I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and I was dangerously close to failing out. I lacked direction, confidence, and a sense of purpose. But then, I met a supervisor who saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. He found the perfect balance between creating an environment where I could succeed and holding me accountable for my shortcomings. Because of his leadership, I learned how to take ownership of my failures, embrace challenges, and push myself beyond my comfort zone. That lesson changed my life.

But my journey didn’t stop there. The same lessons that saved me from failing out of college also pushed me to achieve something I once thought impossible—earning a doctorate degree.

Losing Is Learning—If You Let It Be

Right now, Bennett is learning what I had to learn the hard way: Losing isn’t failure; it’s feedback. At his age, every loss feels personal, and every setback stings. But what I want him to understand is that growth isn’t about never failing—it’s about never wasting a failure. The moments that hurt the most often teach us the most, if we’re willing to listen.

If you had told me as a struggling freshman that one day I would hold a doctorate, I would have laughed. But something changed when I started believing in myself. I learned that growth isn’t about intelligence—it’s about perseverance, discipline, and surrounding yourself with the right people.

Through years of hard work and setbacks, I pushed forward. But I didn’t do it alone. The love and support of my wife, Courtney, made it possible. She believed in me when I doubted myself. She reminded me why I started and why quitting wasn’t an option. The pursuit of excellence isn’t just about personal growth—it’s about recognizing the people who lift you up and being grateful for them.

I Let My Health Slip—And It Nearly Cost Me My Credibility

As I poured myself into my career and education, I made one crucial mistake: I neglected my health. I let bad habits creep in, and before I knew it, I was tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds. Running a mile felt impossible.

Then, reality hit me: People don’t follow leaders who don’t take care of themselves.

It wasn’t just about appearance or fitness—it was about discipline, resilience, and credibility. If I couldn’t hold myself to a high standard, how could I expect others to? So, I made a change. It wasn’t easy, but I committed.

Two years later, I ran a 32-mile ultramarathon—a feat that once seemed just as impossible as earning my doctorate. That experience solidified everything I believe about the pursuit of excellence. Growth isn’t about natural ability. It’s about the willingness to embrace discomfort, the courage to take the next step, and the persistence to never stop improving.

My academic struggles and my health decline weren’t just unfortunate circumstances—they were a result of my choices. I could either accept where I was, or I could learn from it and change.

This lesson is something I try to teach Bennett. When he loses a wrestling match, he’s devastated. And while I understand that feeling, I also know that what he does next is what really matters. Does he let the loss define him, or does he use it to get better? That’s the difference between someone who stays stuck and someone who grows.

You Can’t Save Everyone—And That’s Okay

One of the toughest leadership lessons I’ve learned is accepting that no matter how much you give, you can’t save everyone. Some people will resist change. Some will ignore feedback. Some will refuse to grow, even when given every opportunity.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially when you care about others. But it’s an essential part of leadership—knowing where to invest your energy. Not everyone is going to make the choice to improve, and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your leadership—it’s a reflection of their choices.

Leading by Example: Giving People a True North

People don’t follow titles. They follow leaders who are consistent, authentic, and unwavering in their values. In Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek discusses how great leaders provide a true north—a guiding set of principles that never wavers, regardless of external circumstances.

When I weighed nearly 300 pounds, I wasn’t living by my own true north. I was telling others to push themselves while neglecting my own discipline. That’s not leadership—that’s hypocrisy. If you want to be a leader that others willingly follow, your actions must align with your words.

Great leaders lead by example. My college supervisor did that for me when I was lost. My wife did that for me when I doubted myself. And now, I hope to do the same for Bennett. Not just by telling him how to handle losing, but by showing him—through my own struggles, my own failures, and my own choices to keep moving forward.

Losses are inevitable, and it is guaranteed you have more defeats than you do victories. I've learned turning setback into strength requires the following:

See failure as feedback, not defeat.

Train your mind to focus forward, not backward.

Lead in a way that inspires trust, not just obedience.

Accept that your impact has limits, and that’s okay.

Take care of yourself—physically, mentally, and emotionally—because people don’t follow leaders who neglect themselves.

Losing will happen. It always does. But it’s what you do with it that defines you. And while you can’t save everyone, you can show others the way forward. In the end, true excellence isn’t about what you accomplish—it’s about who you become in the process. And that’s a lesson I hope Bennett, and anyone striving for growth, will come to understand.