What you acquire or who you become.
I have always been very open about my struggles with envy and resentment. For the longest time, I thought the world somehow owed me something because in my mind I did the right things. My negative self-talk would always start with the phrase, it’s not fair.
It’s not fair that I haven’t received a promotion. I have done everything in my power to be the best employee I can possibly be.
It’s not fair that I put in long hours and weekends to reach the pinnacle of my education while others do the bare minimum and make more money than me.
It’s not fair that I see friends and colleagues at a point in their lives professionally and financially that I have not achieved yet.
You will notice a theme in all of those statements. Every single one of them is predicated on receiving something. I was so focused on checking off the next steps in the process of being what I thought was a successful person that I was blinded to the fact that I was missing the bigger picture. My definition of success was misguided. Honestly, it was just outright wrong. I still struggle with this every day, but I have made a lot of progress.
In trying to find my way out of the cycle of envy and resentment I stumbled into the essential writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. While I do not agree with some of Emerson’s views on Christianity, many of his viewpoints on a life well lived really resonated with me. Emerson didn’t define success solely in the material or popular means which is often how individuals measure success today. He was a man that saw a life well lived based on the impact you make on others, and the value you find in yourself.
The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I also decided about a year ago to make it a habit to take time once a week to read the local eulogies. This may sound weird, but for me, it is a good practice of putting life in perspective. A good eulogy highlights the lasting impact of the person on their family and community. Yes, you hear about professional accomplishments, but those are not the highlight of most I read. If professional accomplishments are the only highlight in the eulogy, it tells you a lot about that person. What people tend to highlight is the unique qualities of that person, as well as the ripple effect of positivity and change they created in the world around them. At the end of the day what we remember people for is not their status in society, professional accomplishments, or the wealth they acquired. We remember who they became, good or bad. After reading many eulogies I have also realized that many of them inadvertently highlight missed opportunities to make an impact during their time here on this earth. If you read closely some eulogies give clues about who that person could have become but didn’t realize their full potential.
In the past year, to truly get myself out of a cycle of envy, resentment, and negative self-talk, I have learned this.
Stop being driven by rewards.
Stop being driven by superficial outcomes.
Work to be the best person you can possibly be regardless of the outcome.
If you don’t get what you thought you earned, don’t let that discourage you.
Along the process, what is more important, what you acquire or who you become?
A lot of people think that what they acquire is the thing that defines them. What defines you is who you become in the process of being the best version of yourself.