We leak.
We all have a different version of what we want the world to see. Our persona is tied directly to how we act, the hobbies we have, our profession, the social circles we associate with, and the clothes we wear. Whether you admit it or not, we all put some effort in to what we want others to think about us. Even the people who say they don’t care what others think still put effort into making sure others know that they don’t care.
This is not a bad thing by any means. Your persona is how connections are made. It is how friendships are built. It is one of the key factors in how we create meaning with others. Having an identity, is what makes you… you. What I perceive as being lost this day in age is how far away our outward identity is from being tied to our inward identity. For many, myself included, it is a constant battle to align who we are inside, with who we want others to see on the outside.
We often think that we do a good job hiding it, but this misalignment presents itself in many ways.
It is obvious that you are “trying too hard”- We all know that person that overcompensates. We have all been that person who has overcompensated to achieve a desired result or to try and get people to think of us in a certain way.
White lies become more and more consistent. - White lies won’t hurt anyone right. They are harmless. But white lies you tell to others can be directly tied to a misalignment between you internal and external self.
We unconsciously are verifying approval from others- Approval is tied to validation and validation is tied to what is inside. If what is inside is not tied to what is on the outside, constant approval seeking becomes more and more apparent.
We fall into sin and bad habits and justify our actions through empty approval- Whether it be socially drinking too much, gossiping about someone else, or lustfully looking at someone else, among many other bad habits, we fall into these things, even though we know we shouldn’t because there is a disconnect between who we are inside and who want to be perceived as on the outside.
You often hear the story of that person who lives a double life. The husband who cheats on his wife and has a second family that no one knew about, or the non-profit CEO who embezzles hundreds of thousands of dollars from a worthy cause. In these cases, people often say, “how do they live with themselves?” The problem here is that most of these extreme cases start small. Trying too hard, white lies, constantly seeking approval, then falling into sin. It is a snowball effect that gets bigger and bigger. I don’t think that many people start off wanting to do bad things or be bad people. More often than not, it starts with a disconnect between the internal and the external.
How do to ensure that what people see is what they’re actually getting, that there’s integrity between who you are on the inside and who you are on the outside?
Monitor your heart. Specifically monitor guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy. These four, because we all know exactly what they are, and they are the stem to many of our missteps as human beings.
Guilt- Guilt says I owe you and I know it, but I am too proud to apologize. What happens is we don’t make good on the guilt we feel and festers and festers until it comes out in other ways. The solution for guilt is repentance and humility.
Anger- The driver behind anger is, you owe me. Whenever you’re angry, it’s because you’re not getting your way. Whenever you’re angry is because something’s been taken from you. You’re not getting what you deserve. You’re not getting what you want. They can’t give back to you what they took even if they wanted to, even if they apologized. We can’t go back in time. The solution for anger is forgiveness even when you don’t think it is deserved.
Greed- Greed is the mentality that if it comes to me, it’s for me. It’s I owe it to myself. Greed locks you out from others and it is apparent. The solution is to realize that you can’t take it with you when you go. It is to realize that no one will remember what you bought, they will remember how you gave.
Jealousy- Is life owes me. It is celebrating other people’s failures because they have what you don’t have. They have what you deserve. More often than not, people don’t even know you harbor these feelings. We compete with other people in our head, and they don’t even know there’s a competition, they’re just living a happy life and we’re just mad, and the more happy they are the more angry we get. The solution here is to celebrate what God has blessed us with and realize, generations from now, no one will know or care about the silly internal battle you are having with yourself.