The fear of uncertainty.
In what seems like an uncontrollable world, one of the deepest needs we have as human beings is a sense of control. We can all relate to the feeling of being helpless. During these times we often experience an uncomfortable tension between the need for control and the fact that we can’t grasp the control we seek. The desire to be able to control our surroundings and circumstances is ingrained into our consciousness. This is because the more we know about our world, the safer we feel. On the other hand, the less we know, the more scared we feel. The need to control is directly rooted in fear. Specifically, the fear of what might happen outside our control.
We all have heard about psychologist Abraham Maslow and his defined hierarchy of needs. He explains that as humans when our lower-level needs are not met, then higher-level needs will be abandoned in favor of shoring up the deeper needs.
What you may not think about or notice is that the lower you go, the more important control is. We work hard to control disease and take care of our health. Being ill gives a terrible sense of being out of control. Likewise for having a roof over our head, locks on the doors and food on the table.
Living in America the bottom two sections of this hierarchy, our physiological and safety needs are usually met. Because we don’t have to worry about these base needs as much I think we start to let our need for a sense of control creep up this hierarchy. The funny thing is, the higher up you in the hierarchy of needs, the less you can control in the first place.
You hear about the rise of anxiety, depression, stress, and anger. But have we stopped to think that in part, some of those issues could be attributed to us trying to control the uncontrollable? So what can we do about this problem? The starting point is simple.
Discern What You Can and Can't Control
There's no way to give up control until you know where in life it's needed. Take stock of what you have going on. Think through the areas of life that are in your control and those that aren't. My diagram below can give you a start. But make one of your own that is more detailed and personal to you. This is something you might have to update or modify every month or year because life changes constantly.
Once you've established what’s truly in your control and what is truly out of your control, commit to treating the situations where you don't or won't have control differently than you have been. This includes disconnecting yourself from outcomes and treating other people differently when they don't behave exactly as you want.
